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WARNING: Some posts contain explicit language!


Keepin' It Light | Storytime!

In light of the holiday season and the hellfire that is 2020, I'm keeping the next couple of posts light, but it's getting increasingly harder not to discuss heavy topics in my preferred methods of expression. The truth always erupts, right? Thing is, I'm a passionate person and I use language passionately enough that my kid said, "You remind me of that guy in that movie..." Which guy? "Samuel L. Jackson." Samuel L. Jackson!, wtf!? And then I saw it. It's not that I can't use language in a spectral way without cursing (there's a time and place for everything), but my preference is definitely on the more colorful side of things because that side is far more real and I'm kinda a fan of reality. You?

Anyway, in lieu of the social issues that plague our planet and the weighty side of the world, I'ma tell you a funny because you'll need stories to tell over the Christmas ham or Festivus burgers or whatever. Brace yourselves for the new year, though. We gonna talk about some shiiit!!! OK, storytime... A client walks into the tattoo shop, scared but committed. She wants a tat on her lower back and I inform her it's a sensitive spot for a first tattoo. She insists. I almost always do a dry run without ink in case the client wants to run so they're not marked up with random lines for life. I make a dry mark. She says it hurts but she'll keep going. Here's how that went:

I inked a small line, she asked me to break. Rinse and repeat a few times and I thought this is gonna take till hell freezes over. How can I speed things up? I suggest she tells me a story to distract herself from the pain while I work. She can't focus. I say, "How about you think of a song? Music is always helpful." What I thought would happen: Inner earworm. What actually happened: "Livin' La Vida Loca". la viDA LOCA! la viDA LOCA! la viDA LOCA! ... you get the point of the cadence and volume of this, right?

The dudes in the room across the building called me over to ask if I could quiet my client. What can I do, stuff a sock in her mouth? Wtf is your bright idea? I suggested maybe counting instead. one, two, thrEE, fOUR, FIIIVE! one, two, thrEE, fOUR, FIIIVE! one, two, thrEE, fOUR, FIIIVE! So that didn't work. I tried specifying "to herself" a number of times but no go. The rest of the hour carried on as if Ricky Martin were practicing counting in kindergarten, only with increasingly mor