PT20: The Reason
Project Tapestry has been a looong road! Sometimes you can't see precisely where you're going. You have no concept of the outcome of grand plans until you happen upon them like everybody else, lol. When I was a teen, I made promises to myself and never compromised those promises throughout my life, no matter how much it broke my heart. I sacrificed my heart time and again for this project. Relationships, surface goals, money, love... I left it all to follow my gut down an invisible road. People tried to sway me, derail me, break me with their words, their actions, but I never faltered there. I never let go of my vision. I followed my gut. Didn't listen to anyone. I stayed true to the promise and the purpose which I deemed was much greater than myself way back then. I wholeheartedly believe in humanity and I'll do anything to save it, help it thrive. It's much bigger than me and I want for it to exist into infinity so badly I'd give anything for it. That's crazy. I know because that's what they always said to me, lol. Why would anyone sacrifice themselves for something that won't ever thank them or acknowledge them or benefit them? "That's crazy... You should focus on yourself. Fuck humanity. It'll exist without you." True. Humanity would exist without me and the world would keep turning without me in it. But would humanity be light or dark without me? Would my children's children's children have to suffer things I could have prevented had I followed my crazy dream? I'll never know. That's called a leap of faith. I'm willing to help those I'll never meet. Yes, it's crazy, but my gut says it's the right thing to do and it's what allows me to sleep peacefully sometimes. Most of the time, it keeps me awake because I'm non-stop working in my mind, lol.
Was it worth it? I don't know yet. I hope so. I wish for it to be so. I hoped humans would lift me and I could live the latter part of my life in luxury to balance a half-century of insufferable suffering. I believe in the goodness of people. I believe they would do the right things, ultimately. So, we'll see how it plays out. It was a risk I was willing to take. They may just let me rot and it is what it is. I lost a gamble, then. What can I say? I tried to collect my humble happy moments in a bucket just in case of such an occasion. This way, I don't consider my whole life a waste. I think I've led a pretty interesting, fun, fulfilling life on some levels. I am empty as fuck on a few, but we can't have it all, I guess. Perhaps it's not too late to fill the empty places and I get lucky. Wishful thinking, but still. There's always the possibility. If I had it to do again, I would have made the same choices. I've really dug into this and I don't regret leaving what I left behind. I only regret not having left some things sooner. It wasted time and that's my most precious commodity. Otherwise, I'd travel this road again and again, so some part of me must really think it's worth it, and I hope she's right, lol!