top of page
Subscribe to Stinkin' Thinkin' blog by ANA333

Thanks for submitting! You rock!

WARNING: Some posts contain explicit language!


Running In Circles

So many things in life run in circles! For instance, the cycle of life... at one end is birth and at the other, death. The part that interests me is where they meet again, that place of transition, that space between the spiral.... because it isn't a circle after all, is it? It's a spiral that appears as a circle from a certain perspective, but shift the perspective and you'll see multiple circles that are just part of a greater whole.

The life/ death cycle isn't the only that functions in this manner. Consider ignorance and intellect, love and hate, etc. That place where the two "ends" appear to meet can look a lot like their counterpart but aren't actually so. There's a place where intellect can appear as outright stupidity. There's a place where love can masquerade as hate. Ever wonder why there's so much confusion in the world, so much discord and divisiveness? This is one of the main reasons why, imo. People land in these places but can't define where they are. It's as if they're driving blind through life.

I'm not judging. I'm rarely actually judging anything because I've been down so many of these roads, where would I get off! On one hand. On another hand, since I found my way, I tend to judge the part where people don't take the time to figure out where the hell they are, what they're doing there, how to navigate, etc. They don't gravitate towards questions. Without the questions, they can't even seek the answers. They're simply confused. And there they stay, wanderers who are, indeed, lost.

I get lost all the damn time! But also, somehow or another, I'm confident I'll get found. I usually find myself and rarely go so far that I can't turn around and make my way back to where I belong. But, there was this one time I went too far and it took me years to find my way again. Also, since I explore multiple roads simultaneously, it can get easy to lose sight of a few paths. It's dangerous to do these things alone because there's no one to tell me when I've gone too far or what I may have missed. There's no one that checks in. That's not entirely true. I have a few peeps, but they let me run such a long distance before they get concerned, even if I'm out of line. They expect my return because I always do, historically.

But that one time, I got too cocky and I played with hellfire in a complicated way. I missed a few holes in my web. I miscalculated a few pieces. (I'm so damn naive sometimes!) I accidentally hurt myself too much. Still paying the price for it. Anyway, during this complex time, a complete stranger caught me in the middle; brought to my attention all sorts of places where I'd slipped and didn't notice. He didn't let me make excuses not to repair what I'd broken. He didn't tolerate my missteps. He held me accountable for my actions. He didn't make excuses for me, either. I cannot tell you how refreshing his insight was! I'm not saying that he was all right, but in a few just-right places I didn't see, he was spot on.

C8 Blue by ANA333 | ink, digital
C8 Blue by ANA333 | ink, digital

This isn't knocking everyone else. I love those people to pieces, and it's apparent that they love me a great deal because there's no way anyone would tolerate how I'd behaved otherwise. I appreciate that they let me go wherever I need to in exploration of the weirdness I seek. They never let me hit rock bottom, but they do let me get hurt. They allow me to experience the natural consequences of my choices sans interference. They respect my freedom and I adore them for not restraining me. But the contrast of this stranger was the revivifying part. It was new; something I haven't had in what felt like forever. The experience was so damn necessary and really helped me work my way through some things. No lie, I haven't been that degree of hurt in some parts of me since my babies died!

Mind blown! A complete stranger who never uttered a single word to me (until recently) managed to shatter my world time and again. My appreciation for the process has no bearing on its masochistic appearance. I didn't particularly enjoy the pain. I didn't care much for the insurmountable work it took to reconstruct myself time after time. I didn't want more of it. But, I did want what was on the other side of that particular fire. He reminded me of so many things I'd long forgotten. I had to dig and dig to find them. Then I had to work my arse off to drag them back with me. The journey was tedious, excruciating, exasperating, and I hope to never have to do anything remotely similar for the rest of this lifetime and the subsequent hundred if I could avoid it!

Still, to arrive at where I am today, to know what I know now, was worth it. If I had it to do again I would, due to the value. Are there parts I would change? Of course! I never mean to hurt anyone in my process and he got caught up in, probably, the most confusing experience of his life. In all fairness, he could have avoided it and he's responsible for his own choices. That was part of his journey and, though I hate that he felt hurt, I watched him grow through it. It was among the most beautiful fucking things I've ever seen in this life! When you're in it, it never looks the same as when you're on the outside of it. Distance matters. In all fairness, he had a similar view because I let him watch every step of my convoluted process. Sadly though, I think he missed a few pieces and the story didn't quite add up. It's ok. I saved them so he could see another time if the opportunity were to arise. It'd be like giving him a bouquet of flowers, but different. ;)

Anyway, everyone's journeys around the bends are different. We each choose our own. We learn what we wish to learn and sometimes it's costly af, but the quality things in life usually fall on the expensive side. No risk, no reward. You get out of it what you put in, and we invested a crapton! D-amn! Finally, though, the hard part is over and I feel like I can breathe again for the first time in a really long time. I hope he feels the same. I hope the lessons stick long enough that they don't need repetition. Arrogance is costly and not worth the price. When you don't learn the easy way, life dishes it harder and harder until you get the point. I hate that part! But also, something has to catalyze change.

And full circle we go... and spirals, too... You need to look at the parts where things appear as if they meet but don't actually. Look at how they resemble each other but are dualistic, like mind and matter. Explore intent and look at its impact on perspective. Let's say someone flipped you the bird. Why was that? On one end of the circle, they could be a complete a-hole. On the other end, there could be a logical reason behind the action. The bird itself is the space between the "ends"; the overlap. Looks the same, but isn't. Go on then... ponder away.

bottom of page